When I was packaged out, I immediately threw myself into working on projects to help me create a better future. I had already started working on projects but doubled down, perhaps even tripled. What I felt was the right thing to do ended up not being the best. When I began pouring into myself as I would in the job I had just lost, I didn’t stop to mourn that loss. I immediately seized the opportunity to create something for myself.
I do this quite often, an unconscious move to avoid feelings. I began feeling burnt, tired, drained, and exhausted as the holidays approached. Then came the cold/flu that took me out. Our bodies have a unique way of forcing rest when we are not listening, and the virus that hit me did just that. As I am sitting here writing this blog, I am still sick. The worst days were Monday to Wednesday of last week. Still, while the severity of it decreased on Thursday, it has been unrelentingly present throughout the holidays and will continue until God knows when. It feels like one of those colds that will stick around for a season, lingering and pulling me down.
While the illness has been annoying, it has forced me to rest more than I would have if it didn’t happen. It has forced me to stop, pause, and care for myself, and ultimately, it forced me to acknowledge the feelings I had been overlooking since November 29th.
Anger is one of the predominant feelings. I am angry that my plans were derailed, and although I am a positive person and take it as a sign from the universe, I am angry nonetheless. For the past five years, I had poured myself into this organization that, in the end, looked at a spreadsheet and deemed me unnecessary for business functions. It wasn’t personal, I know that, just business. However, it doesn’t hurt less; it may hurt more. Why wouldn’t my termination be looked at in a more personal and contributing way? Surely, they would have seen if they had taken a closer look at me. I was a top performer with vast experience and could have been moved into a different role. Regrettably, these decisions don’t work that way, and while I am angry, I must process and move on.
Sadness is another predominant feeling. While I was beginning to pour into myself, I had no short-term goal of leaving my role. I would continue giving my best and clocking another few years there. It was a decent company, with good benefits and a security that I had come to count on. Perhaps more importantly, our relationships within this organization were positive and reinforcing. The teams that were involved and the individual contributors were what made the company move. Knowing I am not returning after the holidays makes me sad, despite knowing that the company was not fulfilling me anymore.
Fear is the last but most prominent feeling. I planned to build my blog, write books, and work at my job until things became understandably safe for me to leave my 9 -5. Now, I am focused on whether or not I can make it doing solely what I love by spring before the money runs out. If not, will I find something to sustain me in the interim? The job market and global affairs are at a fever pitch these days. I have worked remotely for over six years. I have zero interest in going back into an office. I know that when push comes to shove, I’ll pull up my bootstraps and take whatever I can to make it work. Even if that ends up being a worst-case scenario, and I am flipping burgers at McDonalds. A job is a job. Where does one start at fielding organizations that can take my abilities and put them to good work? It has been a long time since I have had to look for work. Is it different now post-pandemic?
While 2024 is destined to be my year of no fear or at least my year when I step out from behind it and not let it stand in my way: the fear is intense. The uncertainty is prevalent, and I admit I am not as strong as I had hoped. While addressing all these big and little feelings has been annoying, it has also been healing. Trying to keep myself distracted so as not to feel them proved counterproductive in the long run.
I now know that I should have taken the month of December to reflect, take inventory, acknowledge the feelings, and mourn the loss. It was eventually forced upon me by my own body, and here we are hashing it out in a blog post. I don’t know what the future holds, and that is scary. I understand that the future holds me, being present, pushing forward, and carving my own path. My capabilities are strong, and I just need to remind myself that I’ll figure it out; I always do. If I monetize my efforts through blogging, podcasting, book sales, etc. Then that will be great, exceptional even. However, if I don’t quite get there before April, I’ll ensure I find an opportunity that matches my abilities in an active income position until I can move to work for myself.
The key takeaway for anyone reading is that we must listen to our bodies, hearts, and minds. We must learn to pause, reflect, and check in with ourselves actively. Admit when we are troubled, heavy, afraid, uncertain, and confused. Only by doing this can we effectively heal and move forward with clarity.
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